Arsenal Secure Titles with Massive Flamini Signing

Reports are pouring in from credible sources that Arsene Wenger is on the cusp of securing erstwhile former-Arsenal midfielder Mathieu Flamini and, by extension, the 2013-14 Premier League title, Champions League Cup, Capital One and FA Cups, and -- **** it, why not? -- World Cup 2014.

"It has been requiring a lot of the mental toughness for me to keep this signing a secret since May, euuuhh, but I know that, euuuhh ... this will I think silence the critics in the media who have been wanting me to fail," said the be-grinned Wenger, hardly able to contain an excitement sure to be shared by Gooners the world over.

Meanwhile, sources at Old Trafford have confirmed that David Moyes is \"inconsolable\" after learning his new club lost out on the 29-year-old midfielder who spent the entire 2011-12 season on the disabled list at AC Milan.

"I am already bested," admitted a sullen and "visibly humbled" José Mourinho in an interview with A Bola. "I wish now only to return to Portugal, to fish the waters of my father, and to live simply for whatever time is left to me."

Aston Villa released official comments soon after news of the imminent Flamini signing surfaced: "We're sorry. We're so god-damned sorry about Saturday. Look, how much money will it take to smooth things over? We'll do anything you want. Anything. We have families. Here, take Agbonlahor."

North London rivals Tottenham Hotspur were left in even deeper distress, as the club released this official statement shortly after news of the looming Flamini signing hit media outlets:
"It is with unimaginable sadness that we at White Hart Lane must announce the passing of beloved manager Andre Villas-Boas. While we cannot fully comment on the nature of Mr. Villas-Boas' death until an autopsy has concluded, the empty bottle of bleach, scattered sleeping pills, and numerous hesitation wounds, apparently caused by a letter opener still locked in Mr. Villas-Boas' own hand, suggest an apparent suicide. Tottenham Hotspur will not be competing this season, in any competitions.

"At Shenley Training Centre, a gleeful Flamini stated to the media, "kālo'smi lokakṣayakṛtpravṛddho lokānsamāhartumiha pravṛttaḥ," which scholars have translated as, roughly:

"I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.

"At press time, sources confirmed that Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan had already activated a secret clause allowing him to completely dissolve Manchester City Football Club, liquidate all assets and set flame to a massive funeral pyre composed entirely of his material wealth. "The prophecy has been fulfilled; The Flamini is returned, the End of Days is nigh upon us," Mansour said to correspondents, shortly before gouging his own eyes and casting himself into the flames, the song of his agony bringing grown men within earshot to weep tears of blood.

In other Arsenal transfer news, there is none.

-by Alex Johnson

SOURCE: http://www.blog.bostongooners.com/2013/08/arsenal-secure-titles-with-massive.html

Whilst the above article is very amusing, this summer has been anything but.

So, we've went from L Bender, Suarez, Higuain, Gustavo to ... Flamini? Mother F***ing MATHIEU FLAMINI? You mean the dickhead who f***ed off on a free to Milan and spent most of his time there as a chronically injured benchwarmer? Is this some kind of piss take? What evils have the Arsenal fans done to Wenger that he tortures us thus?

I think @Arseblog's latest post puts it better than I ever could:

"We’ve reached a point where anybody is better than nobody. That’s the stark reality of the Arsenal transfer summer. A man dying of thirst would happily lap from an muddy puddle, but we’re on our hands and knees, tongue dangling, having deliberately walked past a dozen bars in which we could have bought a delicious, cold, frothy beer with the wad of cash we have in our back pocket.

So, if Flamini comes in I’d take it because we need it so badly, but you will never convince me that we’re doing anything but making it up as we go along at this point. The fact is we’re going to play an away game in the Premier League tomorrow with one centre-half. To me that’s a ludicrous situation for any professional football club to be in, especially as it’s not as if some cataclysmic turn of events has brought this about. One red card and we have one centre-half. It’s nonsense and for any team to be in that position, let alone one as wealthy as Arsenal, who have had all summer to sort this out (or at least a good 4-6 weeks since we learned of Vermaelen’s injury), is shockingly bad management.

We’ve had a midweek distraction with our European jaunt but it’s been a full 7 days since the loss to Villa and we have done not one thing to improve our squad in that time. Nothing. Did the entire club go to Turkey? No. If we’d have a real will to make signings this week I’m sure we could have done it. What about next week? There’s a Champions League game, then a North London derby to prepare for. There’s always a distraction, always an excuse.The outpouring of anger and frustration was visceral last weekend, if we drop more points against Fulham then there’ll be absolutely no hiding place for any of them. Manager, board, owner, none of them. Ideally we’ll pick up where we left off in midweek, and I hope that’s the case, but it’s hard not to fear that a squad so under prepared for a new season might fall short."

I even heard rumours that Spurs are moving to make an offer for Podolski... >.<

Look, I'm an Arsenal fan but even I'm sick of hearing about Arsenal & Wenger. But FFS, this has gone beyond farce, past dellusional madness, and landed squarely on criminal negligence!

If it was your club, you'd have lost your ****, I just... I'm at the end of wits. How bad do things have to get before they decide to change? We need change like a infected limb needs amputation in order to salvage the rest of the body.

Wegner needs to change his views... He needs to be aggressive in the transfer window. That's how other top teams remain too teams and others fade away. Wegner should just become a youth scout or development. At this point he is no longer capable of adapting to the modern changes. This is all of course from an outsiders perspective. I've admired Arsenal but this isn't the same one everyone loved. Just a mere shadow.

^It's almost as if every year the other managers dare Arsene how far he can push the envelope before he loses out on the top 4. To be fair, I think he'll finally find out this season. NO WAY this squad will make CL (especially considering just how well Spurs have recruited and how strong the other 3 are).

I m watching fulham vs arsenal : 1-3, the team needs reinforcements no doubt.

^^ all is not lost! glad AW HAD to put in Podolski because of injuries. We have a team; we need depth.

Not too bad after all, huh? With the Capital One Cup being a tiny exception.

"securing erstwhile former-Arsenal midfielder Mathieu Flamini and, by extension, the 2013-14 Premier League title, Champions League Cup, Capital One and FA Cups"
Its amazing to go back into the past and see what people said.

flamini has been great so far. I would have never guessed he would make such an impact on our team. As usual, well played mr professeur

Every fan with somewhat of a football education knew straight away that Flamini was what we needed. Unlike mister Footaholic here.