Why do women make the best goalkeepers?
They never let the balls in.

Matri: 'I've just had a good idea for strengthening the team.'

Galliani: `Good! When are you leaving?'

How do you save a Juve fan from drowning? You take your foot off his head.

Why are Indians so bad at football? Because every time they get a corner, they open a shop.

Rihanna should think of dating an Milan player. They never beat anything.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a bus full of Manchester United supporters?
With the porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.

My wife came in while I was watching the football highlights she said, "Awww, is this the Paralympics?”..I said, "No, it's Spurs."

The HSV asked Bayern if they'll show some mercy when playing against them. Bayern said 9-2 them.

Post Office had to recall their latest stamps. They had pictures of Milan Players on them & people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

.
Wouldn't it be funny if David Villa played for Aston Villa, Antonio Valencia played for Valencia, and Danny Shittu played for Everton?

Roberto Soldado has gone on a shooting spree in north London. Police report there have been no casualties.

If you receive an email offering the chance to win free Stoke tickets, DO NOT click the link. You could win free Stoke tickets.

What's the difference between the Emirates and a library?

People actually keep quiet in the Emirates.
Lionel Messi's on the prowl in Barcelona after a home game. He sees a hot girl at the bar and goes up to buy her a drink.

"I was man of the match today against Real Madrid, maybe we should go back to your place" he says to her.

"Wow! Okay" she answers. They got back to her place and she tells Leo to wait for her in the bedroom while she slips into something more comfortable.

She comes back into the bedroom to see Leo in the sheets between a sunken eyed man and a bald guy.

"What the fuck?!" She exclaims.

"Come on baby," says Leo "you know I can't perform without Xavi and Iniesta"

Totti's wife wants to go out for dinner. Totti says, "one minute please, I just need to finish off this puzzle." He's wife yells, "You can't solve the cornflakes!"

What do you get if Chelsea are relegated? 500,000 new Man City fans.

What do you call a Scotsman at the World Cup finals? The Ref.

What do Arsenal fans do after they win the Champions League?
Turn off their Playstation.

What happens when a Frenchman runs into a Pole?

Birmingham City win the League Cup.

What's the biggest pussy in Spain? The Bernabéu, because it can fit 80,000 dickheads inside.

What ship is never docked in Liverpool? The Premiership.

David Moyes has promised fans of Manchester United that they will be in a major European competition next year... even if he has to write the song himself.

haha some of these are great. What I like is that I can change half to be spurs jokes.

I will take the joke no problem. here is more to add:

Q: Did you hear that the post office just recalled their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of Inter Milan players on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Q: What's the difference between Inter and a bucket of sh*t?
A: The bucket.

@Henry they're flexible, you can change them to any team you want ;)

i didn't get the Bayern one, 9-2 them? can u explain Wolfie? either then that these were hilarious :)

^ The german word for "No" is "Nein" and is pronounced like "nine".

These two are a bit old, but they're gold.

The mighty Brazil team are warming up for a match against Scotland, but the Brazilian players look really unmotivated. As Ronaldo gets into the dressing room the rest of his team look really fed up.

"What's up?" Asked Ronaldo.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're shite and we can't be bothered".
Ronaldo looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Ronaldo goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few drinks.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they turn on the TV to watch the game. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - Scotland 0 (Ronaldo 10 minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on".

They put the teletext on. Result from the Stadium - Brazil 1(Ronaldo 10 minutes) - Scotland 1 (Angus McShite 89 minutes).

They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland! They rush back to the stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.

"I've let you down, I've let you down."
"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!"
"No, no, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes."

Sir Alex Ferguson signs Omar Abdul, a 17-year old prodigy from Afghanistan. On the first day of training with the squad:

“This. Ball.” says SAF while making the shape of a ball with his hands. “That goal. You, kick ball, into goal! OK?” while demonstrating a kicking motion.

Both amused and slightly offended, Omar answers, “Sir, excuse me, but I’m able to converse well in English.”
Sir Alex looks at him angrily and snaps, “Shut up, boy. I’m talking to Wayne.”

@V I just imagined the Brasil team talking to each other in a Cockney accent. xD

I found this one on the net long time ago.

How many Jose Mourinho's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one; he simply holds it up and the world revolves around him.

@Wayne - Basically what Juan said.. German word for no sounds like nr 9 in english.. Bayern said no to them. 9-2 them. ;)

Some of these are absolute gold