Hello guys. It is I, the GREAT Dane. I have condescended to
write to you so that you may enjoy my latest adventures. What a summer I’ve
had! After demolishing everything in my path during the Euros I had a difficult
time beating back all the clubs that were trying to sign me. There were just
soooooo many, too many to count really, but there is only one Nicklas Bendtner
so I had to let most of them down.  It
took me a while to decide which of the countless clubs should receive the gift
that is, me. After thinking long and hard about it I have decided to join
Juventus in Italy.

Why join such a small club you ask? Well, of course, I could
have joined any club in the world but I thought it would be best to ease back
into football so as not to shock everyone all at once with my devastating skills.
Also, I wanted to prevent Real Madrid & Barcelona from threatening to
destroy each other and create a civil war in Spain over my signature. Bendtner
cares. Besides, I hear Turin has many cars
that have yet to be keyed up and a few nightclubs that have never seen a
celebrity dragged out in his underpants.
Clearly there is a deep need for my presence.

As soon as I decide to give Conte permission to start me I
shall rain in goals upon our opponents like a pestilence, the likes of which has
never been seen.  But one must patiently savour
the aroma before sampling the excellence of a fine wine. What’s that you say? I
am not playing because Conte thinks I am too fat? While I admit I may have forced one too many people to give me free
pizza (honestly that’s one of the main reasons I came to Italy), I can
assure you that TGSTEL (the greatest striker that ever lived) is in a perpetual
state of peak fitness. Besides, do not be fooled. Conte is just lulling the
opposition into a false sense of hope before unleashing the destructive strike
force that is yours truly upon them; making the victory all the more sweet… mmmmm,
sweets.

Despite its Mickey Mouse stature, I must admit that it feels
right to be playing in white and black stripes because it reminds me so much of
a black and white cookie… er, I mean because it represents the balance between
my beautiful elegance and deadly  accuracy.  
You see, in addition to being great at football I am also quite the philosopher.
One of the many things you do not know about TGSTEL.  Before the year is up I shall literally
change the landscape of Italy and cement my place as the greatest ever Juventus
player.  I know that Turin cannot wait.
Wait… Marotta said what? He said “Clearly he isn’t the top player that we
wanted, but we need reinforcements”? And Juve great Tacchinardi added, “I will not
say Bendtner is a bad player but he does not improve Juventus either. He is not
the player that helps them make the step up in quality”? HAHAHAHA. Those guys…
such jokesters. You must understand however that when TGSTEL joins a club one
must understate his greatness, however ridiculous that sounds, to keep the
players from losing all confidence in their own abilities.  Being the most humble footballer in the
world, I do not mind because the confidence of the team is more important than
obvious facts.

Now then my lovelies, my hair gel is beginning to dry so I
shall answer one last question. Many people have asked me if I would consider
returning to Arsenal at the end of the year. I feel sad for my adoring Arsenal
fans but I do not think this is a possibility. You see, Mr. Wenger must have
been blinded by the bright lights that emanate from my body because he was no
longer able to see the brilliance of TGSTEL. He stopped playing me and the
result was predictable… no trophies. No, my loving Gooners, I no longer wish to
be the big fish in a small pond but rather, the biggest fish in a large ocean.
I have allowed Messi & Ronaldo to warm my place for long enough.  The other day I was speaking to my compatriot
Michael Laudrup (a decent player in his day) and he said to me, “Nicklas, you
mustn’t deprive the world from watching the greatest Danish player to have ever
lived… and his great hair”. From that day I have decided to sacrifice my time
and demonstrate my art for the pleasure of the masses… that is the kind of man
that I am.

Sincerely,

TGSTEL

xxHugs & Kissesxx
-by Footaholic
(bolded things really happened. I don't know how to hyperlink so you can look it up online if you care).

PS - I must give credit to Arseblog for coming up with the whole "TGSTEL" bit. I laugh every time I read it so I thought I'd borrow it. You should check out his podcast is you're a gunner... he is quite hilarious.